Nollywood Actress Stella Damasus Tells Deeply Personal Story Of Being Abused By A Man She Dated TrendyVoice

10 June 2016

Nollywood Actress Stella Damasus Tells Deeply Personal Story Of Being Abused By A Man She Dated




Nollywood actress, Stella Damasus, in a
new blog post, has revealed deeply
intimate details about a past
relationship with a man who abused
her mentally. Recounting her
experience in the hands of the
unnamed man, she thanked God for
delivering her from his hands. She said
that he would continuously belittle her
and make her feel inferior and
privileged to even be considered for a
relationship because of her condition at
the time.
Read her words:
A few days ago I was reminded that it
was okay to be vulnerable and human. I
seem to have forgotten how relaxing it
can be to let it all out sometimes, not
caring if I would be judged, laughed at
or insulted.
I had to remember that it was
important to share some experiences
that may actually save or help someone
who is probably going through the
same thing.
My story begins on a fun and exciting
Saturday night in Lagos Nigeria, where I
attended an after party. I met a tall
dark and handsome man who was
introduced to me through a mutual
friend. We spoke for a few minutes,
exchanged numbers and then parted
ways. I didn't see or hear from him
again until about 6 months later when I
got a call on my way to a friend's
private birthday party. He asked where
I was and I told him where I was going,
so he wanted to meet up at the venue
and that was fine.
He came and we continued the
conversation that we didn't get to finish
the first time we met. After that night
we started seeing each other more
often as he would call me and say all
the right things, then ask to see me.
So there I was feeling special, thinking
that this stud must really like me so
much that he had to see me about four
times a week. My head was in the
clouds because he came to me in a very
honest and humble manner, he didn't
have much but was not embarrassed at
all because of who I was and what I had.
In my head I was thinking "Wow what a
confident man".
Needless to say, I fell for him hopelessly
even against advice from everyone
around me.


The relationship started and instead of
taking time to really study and know
him, I decided to give, give and give
without thinking twice. I gave time, I
gave energy, I gave money, I gave
respect, I gave submission, I gave love,
I gave honor, and I gave everything a
woman would, just to make her man
feel important and loved.
I gave money and everything that
comes with making a man stand proud
and feel wealthy.
I did this so much that even when you
ask me a question or want me to
appear somewhere I would ask him first
or look out for his expression to get
approval.
All this was to make him feel like the
head, make him feel like the man,
make him feel respected and know that
his financial status does not make him
less of a man, make him feel like he has
his authority, and make him feel like he
had the best woman any man could
ever ask for.
Everyone around me hated the fact that
I did more and more to make him
happy and then they started noticing
that I was loosing my happiness, I was
loosing weight, I was loosing myself but
the funny thing is that I didn't even
notice. Eventually, I got so angry that I
started pushing my friends and family
away.
He kept telling me that everyone
around me expected me to do better in
choosing a man just because he didn't
have money or a job. I bought into that
and attacked everyone, telling them
that they were being unfair and
judgmental. So I made it my job to
make sure he had something to do, he
had a car, he had his own apartment,
he had the latest devices etc.
All of this was to prove everybody
wrong so they could see what he could
become if we just gave him a chance
and helped him.
After a while I started noticing that he
became aggressive towards my friends,
anyone I introduced him to, people I
worked with etc. All of a sudden he
didn't like anybody anymore and didn't
want them around us. Then it all grew
into calling me names at the slightest
provocation even though I was not sure
of what I did to provoke him. He would
say things like "I am doing you a favor
by being with you", "how easy do you
think it is to find a single guy like me to
date a woman with kids"?, "you are too
controversial to have a sane man stay
with you", "the only thing you have
going is your career other than that you
are not really worth it".


There were stronger names he called
me like BITCH and other curse words he
would use, but I would rather not even
write them.The worst part in all of this
is, after hearing these words over and
over again I got used to it and even
started thinking that he was right.
When he was done insulting me, he
would walk up to me and say "see what
you made me do, you are the only one
who can get me to this point, you know
how much I love you so why are you
turning me into this monster?", and
yours truly would stupidly start to
apologize for making him abuse me
mentally.
As far as I was concerned at that time,
it was strong love and because he loved
me madly, him getting upset with me,
made me the monster.
I lived in this lie for a long time and was
still too blind to see how awful I started
looking and feeling. I didn't even want
to be seen too much so that no one
would ask me if I was ill. People would
come to me with proof of him cheating
but for some silly reason I would make
excuses for him. Out of fear of an
argument I would not even want to
confront him about it. I was so scared
that I would ask myself "if you confront
him and he leaves out of anger, are you
sure you would meet someone else who
is better? This was where i started
using the phrase THE DEVIL YOU KNOW
IS BETTER THAN THE ANGEL YOU
DON'T KNOW. Silly silly phrase because
the truth is, if you know someone to be
a devil you are better off without the
person.


Anyway, I stayed in the relationship
until one day when he got upset that a
guy gave me the card to his hotel
because he wanted my band to sing
there. He got so mad that he punched
the wall in my study. When he did that,
it was as if a very thick veil was pulled
from my eyes. That was when I realized
that the kind of anger that made him
punch a wall can even push him to hit
me since I was the cause of his anger.
I don't know if it was the prayers of my
mother or my best friend's, but
something gave me courage that day
and kept urging me to get him out of
my life before it was too late. I yelled for
my home staff and they came into the
study and I asked them to get him out.
I told him boldly never to come near
me, my home or my family. That was
how God delivered me from my abuser.
If he had not punched that wall, I don't
think I would have had the courage to
end the relationship .
Sometimes, when women find
themselves in an abusive relationship,
it's easy for others to judge them or ask
them to just pick up and leave. Even
though it's the right thing to do, it's not
that easy when you are the one in the
relationship. Abuse takes a stronghold
on the victim and messes up their
mental state. If the victim is not careful
she may accept the blame and never
find the boldness to leave.
It is also worse for those who are not
financially independent.


Mental abuse can actually turn out to
be worse than physical abuse because
with the physical you can prove it, you
can also see the scars and they can be
treated. Don't get me wrong it is
extremely dangerous to go through it
but with mental abuse, there is hardly
any proof and no one can see the
bruises or the scars so you don't even
know how or what to treat. It may affect
you mentally for years and that is scary
because it definitely affects any other
relationship you may have, if ever.


THE ABUSER'S MODE OF OPERATION

1. Identifies your weakness and uses it
to gain your love and trust

2. Tells you the things they know you
want to hear.

3. Gets rid of everyone around you who
has the ability or capability to help/
rescue you
4. Makes you emotionally dependent on
him
5. Feeds your mind with things that you
will believe are beneficial to your
relationship

6. Uses your emotions to control your
mind and reasoning

7. Tells you negative things about
yourself and repeats it so it sticks in
your mind

8. Compares you to others just to prove
that you are not worth it and not good
enough

9. Gives you the impression that he is
doing you a favor by being with you.

10. Blames you for things even when
you don't know about them

11. Yells and picks fights at the
slightest provocation

12. Starts to get physical but begs for
forgiveness, telling you that his love for
you makes you the only person that can
get him that mad.

13. Makes you think the abuse is your
fault and you have to fix it

14. Intentionally allows you to loose
yourself/esteem so that he can gain full
control of your mind

15. Batters your mind so much that
even when he hits you and there are
visible scars, you find yourself making
excuses for him

16. You become afraid of the unknown
so you stay in the relationship because
you don't want to start over in a new
relationship

17. He gets you to the phase where you
become numb so you can't even feel
that something is wrong.
It continues like this until something
really bad happens or the woman runs
away.


The good thing is that there is help and
support for women and men going
through any form of abuse.
Please don't die in silence and don't
believe that the abuse is your fault.
Speak out and get help.




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